A Theory About ICarly

You cannot escape and I cannot escape the reality that ICarly has written for us. Everything was predetermined and all the answers are in ICarly. This hollow fear mongering statement can be said about anything really. Humans evolved to recognize patterns because we hunted with the ultimate strategy endurance. That’s right we’re here today thanks to our ancestors walking real good for a long time. What is and is not a pattern is up to the beholder; patterns are the backbone of any good theories which I'm going to talk about today. Fan theories at that, for those of you not in the know theories are ideas, often convoluted, to explain a phenomenon or something going on. A fan theory is just a shared theory that many fans of something either agree or disagree on, often both.

There are a few fan theories that revolve around ICarly. The most popular of which would be that Carly is Megan from Drake & Josh. You see Miranda Cosgrove didn’t just land the leading role of ICarly as her first gig. Her debut role was the tricky little sister Megan in Drake & Josh. Drake & Josh is another Nickelodeon kids sitcom about two best friends Drake and Josh who’s parents marry and they start living together as the brothers they always felt like. The antics they get up to while adjusting to a shared living space is quite hilarious. In the show there is a recurring movie theater the characters frequent and one works at for some time. In this theater an usher works known only by the name Crazy Steve. Crazy Steve is played by Jerry Trainor who also plays Spencer on ICarly. The theory goes that Crazy Steve kidnapped Megan and brainwashed her to believe that they were siblings and moved them to Seattle. I know lighthearted and whimsical for a kids show and not at all a dark reflection of what young Americans really want to see. Please don’t poopoo a fan theory made up for fun. I’m unsure of where this theory originated from and not dedicated enough to begin to look but it’s easy to see how someone thought of it. Drake & Josh’s last episode aired the same month that ICarly’s pilot came out. Spencer is a wacky artist and is pretty much just a less crazy Crazy Steve and Carly has a lot of sass like Megan. Carly and Spencer don’t have any other close family members. In the original series their mother is never mentioned and their father works in the “military”. That is mostly only so Michelle Obama can show up later in the show and so that it can maintain funding from the United States military. That’s right dear reader the United States is very much willing to invest in art as long as it depicts our military as awesome heros, you know instead of a weapon to be used against brown citizens. We here at Soda Fountain Gab Sessions support defunding the military and acting only domestically for at least the next five years. 

Sorry too topical for a post about ICarly fan theories but to be fair there are a lot of theories about what the military has and hasn’t done. So I’m going to keep my tinfoil hat on for just a little while longer while I end with my own personal theory about ICarly. The Truman Show is a movie about a boy living his life in an entirely staged world. He thinks he’s living a normal life and that everything that happens to him is happenstance. Now the United States military is not subtle enough to stage an entire life. However they could cut together and highlight a fantastical surreal world. One in which a teen girl can become a rich sensation overnight through the power of the internet. Yes dear reader my theory is the United States military funded and orchestrated ICarly to influence young American women to all become influencers of note. Naturally creating an influencer hierarchy that promotes the: “Fuck you, got mine” attitude that creates endless strife and fuels the apathy of late stage capitalism. That’s right, reader the United States military is why we have Cardi B. 

It may not be a great theory but it was still fun to come up with. I don’t actually believe in that theory but it sounds feasible enough and it starts in a nugget of truth that the United States military did fund a piece of ICarly. This is not uncommon though many shows on Cartoon Network and Nickelodeon were also funded by the military because making a show is expensive and you don’t have to do much to get funding from the military. This isn’t a terrible thing but does lead to the false truth that the United States military is saintly. Remember it was founded by the people for the people when any orange in a suit tries to deploy you on US soil and watch some more ICarly while you’re at it. Our country would be so much better if Miranda Cosgrove was president.